There I am… looking cute and walking down Frederick St, PoS and who should I stumble across but two old friends from Barbados.
It was such a pleasant surprise. One of them I had seen just recently, a few months ago, the other I hadn’t seen since last year… so the two together was just marvellous!
They are both so much the same and yet so different. They both came by and visited me at home for about an hour. We kinda caught up, but it really wasn’t enough time to really ‘talk’ but we y”know did the best we could, talked some shite… you know how it goes.
This morning after I said my prayers, I went and took an offering for my Mother on my Father’s instructions. I happen to be increasing my contact with a young man that is in and around my life’s peripheries. It’s interesting. He seems to have the same kind of spiritual beliefs that I do. Very interesting.
Anyway, he agreed to take me to the river to thank my Mother, pray to Ochosi and deliver a meal my Ancestor’s requested in Thanksgiving for the many blessings in my life. It’s a long drive to the river.
Anyhoo… I kinda breezed through work today, even though I went late and left early. I told my boss I was going to be running around getting ready to move this weekend and not to expect to see too much of me this week. As long as their work gets done they don’t care what I do.
So this week involves a lot of running around and desperately praying that I will find extra money or that some will come from somewhere, because from where I stand next month is going to be G-R-I-M.
It was nice to see my girls today… I was glad that they made the time to come and see me, and I loved our brief moments together. It was like a visit from my childhood. Especially since today I told two people that I don’t need any friends, because all the people who are my friends, love me just the way I am.
This recent shit with my brother, his woman and the weird shit going on, has made me kind of jaded about friendship and how easily and quickly it can be found and lost, and how some of my friends have just remained my friends right through. Weird how that works.
Anyway, the sisters are off tomorrow, back to Barbados and jobs, babies and such. This was just a short ‘shopping trip’ centered around the W.I. vs. Australia cricket tourney going on.
Sigh… it’s strange. I hardly saw them in Barbados when I was still there, I would bounce them up like that all the time, but we had all stopped hanging out together. Not because we didn’t love each other, but we were all busy living and we lived on other sides of the island to besides.
When we were all younger, the three of us used to party hard together… believe it. I lost a taste for that life early on, but they went on to keep partying, and they party still. Both those girls lived and live very wild lives. I went through a real celibate stage and they I don’t think have ever been y’know, suffering that way. 🙂 They’re both extremely beautiful women, and men must rush them both. Well you know Big Mami identifies. 😀
Other than that it has been a fulfilling of duty kind of day. I’ve been completing little tasks that my elders have asked me to do for them. Working on projects they’re paying me to do, and doing favours. That kind of thing. They’re very sweet to me and I feel a sense of obligation because they are very supportive of me in many areas of my life.
So that was today.
My brother has gone off to an audition so I am alone in my house. I am going to have to get used to that again.
My microwave came today, and I just spoke to my landlord about going to pay my deposit, so this is happening. It’s really, really happening.
Money is going to come for the things I need, I know it will and everything is going to be just fine.
Seeing my girls today was a sign.
A few months ago I went and sang for Oya, the Mother of the Wind and the Mother of Sudden Change to come into my life and clear away the stagnation that had developed in my life…. to see where I needed change and to help me to find the strength to do it.
I can’t have expected anything other than the radical changes that have actually occurred over the last few months. I have withstood heartbreak, job freakiness, family and friend weirdness and everything about my life is upside down or just in going in almost the opposite direction. I think what I have been experiencing has been a kind of drag that occurs when you are breaking free of the binding ties real and imagined…. I mean to suddenly pick up momentum in certain areas has to effect you on subtle and overt levels, oui? This is happening the way it is supposed to. This is the only way it could happen and I know that it is directly related to the choices I am making, hard and simple. I also think I am largely zigging when I am supposed to zig and zagging when I am supposed zag. I did it because Mama Oya was guiding the change and I had to accept that as it was not the way I wanted it to be.
Some of those choices, like backing away from Sweet Thing… those were things I knew were meant to happen, I just didn’t want to accept it. I knew it had to happen, but it was just so fucking hard to let go. I’d be there, knowing I shouldn’t be calling him, shouldn’t be hoping for things that couldn’t be, but I would be calling a dozen times a day, just aching to connect with him. I knew I had to back off and leave the situation alone, but it took me so long to do it, because of the purity of what I felt. How could I explain that to him without panicking him to the marrow of his bones. But I did it anyway. I panicked him, and I let go. And hard as it all was, I did it.
With my brother…. Hmmph…. we have been stuck in some self-perpetuating cycles for years and years and years…. too many fucking years. Now, it’s just time for us to part ways for a time. There’s no other way around it, it has to be done. All the bickering and the nastiness and the frustration all that shit has to be grown out of, grown past and he and I just cannot live in a house together… it’s like I’ve realised my mother and I can’t live on the same land mass together, and that’s necessary. We love each other, but at a distance and in small doses. All of us.
My mother, my father, my brother and I are very powerful individuals. Too much of that kind of energy in high doses is toxic. I have been dealing with toxic levels for years and that has to stop. For the health of all of us, it has to stop one way or another. At least for me.
So I am here, psyching myself into this leap into the unknown. I am contemplating and steeling my nerve for self maintenance. My independence and my sense of identity are demanding these things. Demanding that I fulfil this burning dream of mine: to be independent and free. To be unfettered and to touch my inner self so deeply that I can unlock all this potential other people believe is in me–Keffi believed was in me. I feel responsible to her and the people who love me to live my life to the fullest.
This is what I prayed for, this is what I came here to do, this is what I took my shitty job for, this is what I have been waiting for, crying alone in my room crying angry frustrated tears. This is my time.
When it’s your time, it’s your time and nothing is beneath you but your regret, your fears and ultimately nothing at all.
F-ear
E-vidence
A-ppearing
R-eal
Fear is the mind killer. It is the little death that brings about total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me and through me. When the fear has gone past, I will turn with the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
— Frank Herbert
Chapterhouse: Dune
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