Tuesday Semi-Blues

With a broken arm, it’s hard not to be contemplative.

One has much time alone to think about things, to wonder what will happen and what is happening and what has happened.

I love my life, but sometimes hate the world the way it is. The way it works sometimes.

I have been trying to pierce each moment, invest as many moments as I can with both passion and focus, but even those moments wash over me. The hardest as well. I may cry, I may hurt, I may feel lost and all alone sometimes, but the pain of living passes over me the same way the joy of it can as well. There are times when I really do feel I connect to the world not on the physical plane at all, but as some kind of projection against something.

Each point of connection, an avatar, a road, a path. I am also sometimes completely understanding and completely confused. How is it that such dichotomy of experience can occur simultaneously?

I want to say I have it mastered, this knowing of what is the right thing to say, the right thing to do. I am stuck in that mire and muck just like everyone else. I just try to shine as much as I can.

I went to see my lawyer yesterday.

I think it went well, although I wonder how I managed to pay $200 dollars for a phone call, since I ended up waiting 45 minutes for her to show up, and ended up having to talk to her on the telephone in her office.

She’s agreed to take on the case, and she’s apparently very good.

So the initial letter is being drawn up.

The thing is, I think I’m going to go and get a second opinion about having this surgery. I need to make sure that it’s absolutely necessary before I go ahead with it.

The thing is, it’s flipping going to cost me more money to get that done.

I dunno, I just need to find different ways of dealing with these things.

My divination last week told me keep courage, to keep praying because this was still the storm before the calm. Still in Oya’s hurricane…..

However, I know the path is going to open before me. I know it surely, because in my heart I know what I have to do in this life and I’m trying to find ways to get it done.

I have to do something special for Ogun….the clearer of the pathway…. appeal for help.

I’m in a weird kind of nothing can hold me down, tired from struggle kind of way.

I feel like Samwise who kept both himself and Frodo alive when they were crossing Gorgoroth….

I’m alright, just feeling a little worried about money.

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