May 21, 2024

I’ve been crying for hours.

Since yesterday, everytime my mother speaks me, it’s to tell me how I’ve ruined her Christmas, and how it’s all my fault that she’s bitching about everything.

She has upset me more than I thought possible, and more than anything I want to know why it is I can’t just be free from this.

I repeatedly asked her why she can’t just relax and let us enjoy each other’s company, but she’s saying I have made her unwelcome.

She says I am rejecting my family and my upbringing and I mean, every possible button she can find to push, she is pushing.

I don’t know, the Guilt Trip is like an anvil on top of me, and I am wondering why I can’t just be loved for who I am and not what she wants me to be.

Her favourite Guiltripism is, “I know I am a bad mother and you hate me, but….” then she launches into all the reasons why I am a fucking ungrateful bitch, and why she is the greatest martyr to walk the Earth since, who…. can anyone pick a name? I think it starts with J **says sungoddess in a sing-song voice**

I dunno, I am just so tired. I give up… I’m puffing again.

I don’t hate my parents, but she”s right, I don’t think I like either of them much at all. For people who have consistently abandoned me in myriad ways, I don’t know why I keep trying to respect them and be kind. Maybe because it’s the right thing to do, no matter what they do. They certainly have never given me the same sort of consideration, and if they tried, they have failed miserably. I think I raised myself, I am a self raised woman. I am grateful for my DNA, but my environmental situation from birth has not been one of unconditional love or nurturing, but peppered with extreme insecurities that have caused me a great deal of mental and emotional anguish.

My fundamental goal in life, is to never have to depend on any of them ever again.

She just came in to announce, my brother is on his way here and she is packing her things, the food she cooked and all and she is leaving and going to spend her Christmas with my brother and his family.

I want to say something like: “How could she?” The thing is, she has been doing this to me, or some form of this kind of emotional blackmail and holding me to ransom, my entire life. So the question for me, now forever is, ‘How could she not?’

I have been made to pay for all her insecurities, all her frustrations, right up and including her cutting my ass with licks when I was small because of her bad day at work, and other sins I have committed over my entire selfish life.

During the argument, she points out that she is very aware that when she announced she was moving back into Barbados, my brother and I both exited before she could get there, because we didn’t want to live with or even near her. And we did. She’s right, for precisely the reasons I am telling you.

Even the simplest things she blows out of proportion.

In this case, I was a fool. I told her I wasn’t feeling Christmas and was in pain, and she took it to making her feel unwelcome. I suppose one shouldn’t resent someone coming into your house and rearranging, and changing things to suit themselves and not you, hanging Christmas things, and in her words ‘making Christmas’ anyway. I guess it’s wrong of me to feel resentful because when I try to talk to her about what’s happening in my life, she somehow manages to turn the conversation to her life and what’s happening in it, as though nothing I have to say about my life makes any difference, because she’s already decided all there is to decide about me, and it leaves no room for interpretation.

I was a fool. I thought, because we’d been getting along, she wasn’t going to do this this year. But she does it every year.

If you’re in the house with her, you have to contend with this heightened emotional state, and the knowledge, that even the smallest thing will set her ass off.

So after three days, I have now puffy eyes to go with my renewed cigarette puffing. :sigh: I’ll quite on Monday after she goes back to Barbados, and I think now more than ever I want to go to England, and put some more distance between us.

She says to me, “I hope you find your family out there on your journey. Because you made it clear from the time you were knee high off the ground, that we were not your family.”

I think family are the people who love you no matter what, and accept you the way you are and not the way they want you to be.

I still hate Christmas!

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dayo's mama, writer, web developer, orisha devotee, omo yemoja, dos aguas, apple addict, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, blog pig, trini-bajan, book slut, second life entrepreneur, combermerian, baby mama, second life, music, music, music!

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Conan Gray
298 days ago