I spent the whole day, both yesterday and today depressed because I made a decision on Friday, that I know was the right thing, but hurts deeply, too deep.
I chose to withdraw from a situation in where I was emotionally being bruised by the object of my desire’s distinct withdrawal.
I called him up and told him in as diplomatic a way as possible that I could no longer wait around for him to decide what he wanted to do about our relationship. I know he’s seeing someone else, and there are things I feel he is lying to me about. I guess I made a choice for myself. To protect myself.
I need to retreat. I need to pull away, because if I don’t, he is going to go on thinking that I don’t feel the distance; that it doesn’t cut me in two every night he doesn’t call, which has been almost every night in two months. He’s going to go on thinking that I am some invulnerable, impervious force that can withstand being ignored, neglected, under-prioritised and taken for granted. I am not, I am actually not much a waiting type of person, and I think I’ve waited long enough.
Yesterday, I went to a celebration of Divine Womanhood. An Oshun-child climbed up in my lap, and she pinched me, she kissed me about a thousand times, she hugged me, she did all kind of toddler stuff, she even poked me in the eye, but she fought and screamed to stay in my lap doing it. It was amazing! I felt like my heart was breaking, but I kept it quite submerged the whole day, and this little girl’s energy really was a big part of that.
That night, driving home, I curled up on the back seat of the car and something in the music playing on the radio just touched me deep inside and I felt so alone,. I really began to grieve for the loss of this man, the loss of what never really was, some of the tears began then, but I didn’t cry when I got home.
Maybe it was the eye poke that really shook it loose.
Today, I spent the whole day at work, enduring all the bullshit of this bullshit job. And I didn’t crumble, although I really wanted to a couple of times.
I waited until I was alone and at home before I let it out, and it came and came and came…… it was good to release it. All the frustrated anguish of being so open to love and coming smack dab up against someone’s wall…. AGAIN…. it all came out in my tears, and I called him up and let him hear some of it, because I thought he needed to understand I wasn’t disaffected, just resolved.
So now, I guess I let go. I guess that means I am growing up.
I have to. I am a free spirit…. and like Nina sings it….. my love is wild like the wind.
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