Other Apologies You Won’t Hear Me Make

Well it seems I’ve lost a friend because I am not Christian enough.

I want to tell you how sorry I am, but I keep thinking how I shared my life and experiences, my connection to the Divine as I perceive it with this particular individual, yet can’t get over the impression that this person who was supposed to be my friend for more than ten years, was laughing at me behind my back, and mocking my spiritual beliefs.

So this morning when I got up, I called one of my oldest friends — we’ve been friends for 28 years — and I kind of remembered what friendship is built out of, and what it has meant to me.

So it got me to thinking about some of the things I won’t apologise for.

1. I will not apologise because my mother raised me to think for myself, and question everything that I come in contact with. I appreciate the scepticism she instilled in me. I also appreciate the constant mental, spiritual stimulation I received as a child, because it has built me into the person I am today.
2. I will not apologise because Orisa and Ifa has manifested in my life.
3. I will not apologise because I consume books and information more than food.
4. I will not apologise because I have a Pan-African and decidedly Afrocentric world view.
5. I will not apologise because I call God Oludumare and that I see that energy in all things. I won’t apologise for learning to become a spiritual worker, a priestess, or for choosing to fulfil my destiny as a mystic. I chose this life as much as it was chosen for me. I will succeed, because the source of all, God, Oludumare, Olorun, feeds my soul and strengthens me for the journey, even when I am weak and unwilling. Oludumare exhorts me to keep reaching, even when I feel short and inadequate.
6. I will not apologise because my eyes have been opened to the political process and its many fallacies since childhood.
7. I will not apologise because I know how easily religion can be perverted into serving the wants of users and abusers, greedy men and women drunk on power. I prefer to empower myself with the help of God so I can show other people how to empower themselves, free from the bullshit foisted onto humanity and passed off as truth and religiosity and being ‘of god’. God is love, there is no room in there for intolerance.
8. I will not apologise because I do not vote in a political process that does not serve the needs of the people, only the needs of a few.
9. I will not apologise because I have read and am very familiar with history.
10. I will not apologise if I feel history’s legacy is being ignored by the living, and share what knowledge I’ve acquired in an effort to disassemble some of the more uninformed positions when tossed at me as fact, as being incontrovertable when I know them to be wholly erroneous.
11. I will not apologise for sharing what I have found, or for encouraging others to seek for the truth themselves.
12. I will not apologise for not believing in a Judeo-Christian conceptualisation of God, or practise a Judeo-Christian based religion.
13. I will not apologise for believing in One God, with more manifestations than I can comprehend. I will not apologise because no matter what I think about Oludumare, the truth is probably so far from my understanding, I try not to invest too much in trying to figure out God. I prefer to figure out myself and how to become a better person, I believe that this is the only way I can become closer to God.
14. I will not apologise for my use of subterfuge from time to time. All warriors know that subterfuge is one of your best tools when vanquishing one’s enemy.
15. I will not apologise for being a determined bitch.
16. I will not apologise when false friends cry me down because my life and theirs do not lie down neatly side by side. I have real friends who love and appreciate me in ways that continue to surprise me. I have a family that loves me and I’ve been blessed with true friendship so much in my life, that to lose people over bullshit — mostly false friends and hypocrites — seems like more of a blessing than a curse. I just remember I lost the friend I loved most, so all else seems somewhat middling in comparison.
17. I will not apologise for believing in magic.
18. I will not apologise for my sexuality.
19. I will not apologise for my struggle for mental emancipation. I know it’s my job to free my mind.
20. I will not apologise because Born-again Christians scare the shit out of me.
21. I will not apologise for my grasp on the English language. I revel in words, and will not allow anyone to make me feel bad because I like to keep the dictionary open near me, and use my vocabulary as creatively as I can muster to express myself. Also, I will not apologise for the lack of cyberisms in my online writing, or vernacular in my writing period.
22. I will not apologise for being disappointed in the laziness of writers who make no effort with spelling or punctuation. I have grown to love punctuation, and seek a deeper understanding and appreciation of it as a mechanism for improving myself as a writer. Maybe I’ve been an editor too long, but lazy writers just do not encourage me to read, and I don’t take that kind of writing seriously. I may make mistakes, but I make a fucking effort.
23. And speaking of dictionary’s, I will not apologise for thinking that the only real dictionary worth anything is the Oxford English dictionary (of which JRR Tolkien was a minor editor.) Just say no to American English!
24. I will not apologise because learning how to be a better person has taken me down a path less travelled. I admire the scenery free from an overcrowded, loud, uncommitted entourage.
25. I will not apologise for being pretty, beautiful, cute or attractive. I cannot help the genetic structure from whence I sprung, nor can I help that I am an omo Osun, and as such am a daughter of Beauty. It’s a heritage to be proud of, it also comes with unconditional love.
26. I will not apologise because I have a quality, Grade A, class act pussy, or for knowing how to control it.
27. I will not apologise for being concerned with the good and bad karma I generate. I give all I can to rectify whatever damage I create, and recognise the effect of past wrongs in my own life, and as such try to live with as much grace and honour under fire as I can.
28. I will not apologise for my confidence, or to what some call my arrogance. You can be arrogant when you can back your shit up. I can back my shit up, believe it.
29. I will not apologise for knowing when diplomacy is no longer an effective tool, and my sword has to sing it’s way out from it’s rest, and begin to pelt hand left and right. My warrior’s spirit is never gone too far away from me.
30. I do not apologise for slapping that racist little girl for spitting in my face when I was eight.
31. I will not apologise because I use the events in my life as fodder for my writing.
32. I will not apologise because I write these things down and seek to understand my internal world and activities through the external manifestations of my living in the world. I write fearlessly about my adventures and intend to continue doing so.
33. I will not apologise for loving people too much or for reaching out to people.
34. I will not apologise because I’ve worked hard like shite for everything I have, and I’ve done and endured all kinds of bullshit to get to this point in my life.
35. I will not apologise for being a rebel. I am the daughter of revolutionaries.

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