So last night brought another very stupid confrontation with my cousin.
I have never been around someone so fractious in recent years. Even my mother takes a break… she just sits on her distress like a frog and if you wander to close, her tongue is out and you’re caught.
However, a few things became very apparent. While my cousin has no intention of cleaning her own house and forcing her children to clean up after themselves, she seems to expect me to do it for her. Like become a full fledged maid. All this while she collects welfare cheques and sits in her bed watching TV doing very little of anything except going to the grocery store where, in her logic, shelves for her room and an electric drill are far more important than toothpaste. Oh, she goes out and works a couple days a week behind the welfare office’s back.
She tells me she’d rather die than go back to nursing, and she quit her last job at the laundry.
Then she wants me to go out and get any menial job I can get, so I can contribute financially to the house. (Which of course I actually have no problem doing–contributing I mean.)
After listening to her circular conversation, and pointing out to her that I am actually THE ONLY ONE in house doing any dishes, and the only two days I didn’t do dishes, I did laundry, since I’ve been back (all of two weeks, oui?). I’ve been taking out garbage, mopping up the flooded bathroom and other domesticities.
Didn’t make a difference. No, I must do all that, take out the garbage everyday, mop, sweep, clean and pick up cat shit too. I must also accompany her on her various outings, hanging on to her every word (because I can’t actually have my own opinion, right? She brow beats and bullies me whenever I express an opinion she doesn’t agree with. PLEASE READ: EVERY OPINION I HAVE) and going into every single shop she’s inclined to go into, while enduring her never ending prattle about all manner of half-baked, faulty logic regarding all manner of things.
Last night she kept going on and on about ‘her house’ and how she wants ‘her house’ to function, and about how she doesn’t want this and that. Implying that I was the reason why she was so uncomfortable. Personally, I think she’s uncomfortable because I cannot hide completely my disdain regarding the filthiness of the house, and she’s ashamed and hiding it behind this bullshit that I don’t help her in the house. (Not true.)
So, you know Big Mami has had just about enough of that.
Monilove and I talked last night, and her flat mate (you know the one) isn’t coming back from ‘whereever’ until the end of January, so I’m going to go and stay with her until then.
Tomorrow night I am trying to arrange with one of my cousin’s sons’ friends to drive me to London (because I can’t bring myself to ask that trifling bitch to do anything for me.)
Even when I was in Kent, my cousin there, for all his faults and issues, he and I spent two and a half months in the same house with not one single confrontation, disagreement anything. There were things I didn’t like, and I’m sure vice versa, but we just didn’t fuck with each other.
Everytime I get too close to Leila physically it’s like an excuse for her to take out her frustrations out on me. She does it to one of her sons as well, because I have been here long enough to see that there is a definite pecking order where her children are concerned. Her oldest gets all the shit, while the youngest gets what she wants all the time, the poor middle child balances it out, but ends up being the only person other than me that does any chores.
The bottom line for me is I have fucking had enough. Last night on the phone I told monilove, if I had to spend even one more week here I wasn’t going to be able to control my temper. I was going to put my mouth on her ass, and well, in my family they’ve stopped pushing me too far because when I get really angry, not only does the hairy truth come out, but I bite and bite hard fit to kill. It’s like a nasty reflex I can’t control. This is why I don’t allow anyone to make me that angry, but this bitch is pushing me and pushing me and pushing me.
I am very, very angry already and I don’t think I can allow someone like Leila to push me into a nasty temper. I’ve seen how destructive I can be in a temper, and I just don’t want to let that happen.
So God willing, after this weekend I’ll be gone for good.
Sunday I’m supposed to meetup with the London Santeria group. Some hours before, I’m going to my friend M’s house and I’m going to take another white bath. I need peace and clarity right now. I’m wound up like a too-tight clock, and I cannot tell you how close I’ve been to losing control. Too close for comfort.
So I am out of here.
—–
I Shall Be Released
by Bob Dylan
They say ev’rything can be replaced,
Yet ev’ry distance is not near.
So I remember ev’ry face
Of ev’ry man who put me here.
I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east.
Any day now, any day now,
I shall be released.
They say ev’ry man needs protection,
They say ev’ry man must fall.
Yet I swear I see my reflection
Some place so high above this wall.
I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east.
Any day now, any day now,
I shall be released.
Standing next to me in this lonely crowd,
Is a man who swears he’s not to blame.
All day long I hear him shout so loud,
Crying out that he was framed.
I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east.
Any day now, any day now,
I shall be released.
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