For the last couple of months, I have had this growing and pervasive grief.
It has built up without ceasing, and I finally begin to understand.
At first, I thought it was because I had decided to leave Trinidad for good and I was merely grieving my homeland. I had determined I would never try to make a life there again.
Back in December I stumbled across an 80 year old bolero redone by Los Panchos, it spoke very deeply into the loss I was feeling. But I wasn’t mourning Trinidad. I mean, I have Trinidad for life. It’s impersonal, but it’s mine for life.
Last Saturday, my spirit told me to talk about my ADHD and my mother. Within hours someone reached out to tell me she was in a nursing home.
And I cannot even describe the range of emotions this news has brought me.
Despite all I write and say to friends, Lelia is still my mother. I may not fuck with her like that, but I still love her. My love for her has nothing to do with my disgust at her appalling behaviour. My love for her is a separate thing entirely.
And now, I realise that the grief I had been feeling, and the specific chords this bolero was striking within me, had to do with facing the fact that my mother as I knew her is no more.
And the words in Spanish, broke my heart over and over.
Adios mariquita linda
Ya me voy porque tu ya no me quieres como yo te quiero a ti
Me voy porque tus desdenes
Sin piedas han herido para siempre a mi pobre corazón
Adios vida de mi vida
La causa de mis dolores
El amor de mis amores
El perfume de mi flores
Para siempre adios, adios!!!
English:
Goodbye pretty ladybug
I’m leaving because you no longer love me like I love you
I’m leaving because your disdain
They have mercilessly wounded my poor heart forever
Goodbye life of my life the cause of my pain
The love of my loves
The perfume of my flowers
Forever, goodbye, goodbye
My mother said to me, many many years ago, that Chiquitita by ABBA was the only song that makes her think of me. So these songs are bookends for my relationship with Lelia.
And here I am… facing the loss of my greatest abuser, my biggest demon.
I don’t think she had any real feeling for me, and never loved me or liked me… but I do think she may have felt emotions in this song about herself, and then told me she thought of me as a way of manipulating me and keeping me vulnerable to her.
Still, over the years it has certainly grown to mean something to me.
Chiquitita by ABBA
Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong
You’re enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I’m a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I’m the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see you’ve broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together
Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
So the walls came tumbling down
And your love’s a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet
Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
——
Yeah… I’m just gonna sing a new song ya’ll.
Try once more… but for me. Maybe when she’s an ancestor for real, she’ll find the kindness to bless me in death she never had to bless me in life.
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