Hard To Say Goodbye

So this morning, I pick up the telephone and RBB(Bim) is on the other line. He wants to know if I got his last e-mail about my brother’s djimbe drum being at his house. He wanted to know why I didn’t call him and tell him if I had gotten the money from my client, that he had arranged to have sent here to me with a friend.

The conversation quickly turned ugly. He accused me of being a creature of convenience (my words); he asked me how I could just let go of what we had so easily.

I tried to point out to him that he is the one that let go first. He didn’t want to come with me to Trinidad. I tried to tell him that I had been trying to talk to him for a long time, but he wasn’t hearing me. I tried to get him to open up to me… but he fought me too hard.

I told him that he never wanted to hear about what I wanted for myself, always seemed disinterested in when I was talking to him about my ideas for Sunhead and asked me if I was going to leave him behind. He asked me again when I started talking about going to school.

I didn’t say all that again, I just told him he made it so hard to talk to him, so hard.
When he lashed out it was to intimate that I used him; that he was there for me at a particular point in my life and that was all I wanted him for.

I got upset, told him to fuck off and hung up the phone.

He called me back on all three lines… twice.

Eventually I picked up one and he apologised. He’s like Mummy, he feels bad when he says something shitty and I react.

He said he loved me and that the only reason he was upset, is because he’s losing something he really cares about. That’s why he said those hurtful things.

This I both understand and don’t understand.

He said he would never speak badly of me to anyone. He said he had never felt about anyone the way he felt about me. He said he hoped I would never speak badly of him to anyone. He says he always praises me to other people, even though I said he didn’t know what I was about. He said he wanted to end with good vibes…

He thought what we had together was good and he wishes me well in all my endeavours.

I couldn’t stay mad, but even as that confrontation was playing itself out, and my heart went out to him, he never let me say anything…. he again silenced me and although I had really wanted things to work. This was the best thing.

I wanted him to grow and gain strength from us, from himself; I know everyone has their own path to travel and he was good to me. I don’t wish him any harm.

I hope that he learns to really open himself more and become more intellectually curious. I hope he can find a way to step outside his comfort zone and really fulfil alll the ample potential he so obviously possesses.

However, this, I think is it between us.

The whole time he was talking, I thought about Sweet Thing and how to reach him.

1. FREE YOURSELF FROM OUTCOMES
2. FEAR IS THE MINDKILLER

I have to make this visit to see Yemoja; I have to make an Ebo for Sango, I have a specific meal to cook for my Egun and Adamu to make for Shakpana.

I have had almost one week free of pain. My knees feel weak but not painful. I feel good about that.

I called Sweet Thing again. I don’t know what is wrong with me! Where is it and why do I have no will power? Why am I reaching out to him, when I know I should leave him alone.

Is it wrong to crave someone emotionally and sexually, all the ways you can crave someone…. even when that person’s evident confusion is drowning you both? Is it just wrong to want to cling to the only strong things between you in the face of the flood?

I still feel him inside me, beside me. I miss it and him.

We haven’t spoken since Monday.

PERFECTED TORCH SET 3/20/2003:

1. Untitled (How Does It Feel) — D’Angelo
2. Lifetime — Maxwell
3. Feenin’ — Jodeci
4. Feelin’ Love — Paula Cole
5. What About Us — Jodeci
6. How Come You Don’t Call Me — Alicia Keys
7. U Got It Bad — Usher
8. My Heart Belongs To U — Jodeci
9. I Wanna Be Your Man — Roger
10. Take It From Here — Justin Timberlake
11. Cruisn’ — D’Angelo
12. Sweet Thing — Mary J Blige
13. Corcovado (Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars) — Sarah Vaughn
14. I Be Your Water — Sweet Honey In The Rock

Is it really needy to want someone so bad?

Last Tuesday night, after we burned accros TSTT phone system with some amazing phone sex, he whispered “It’s probably dangerous to want you this bad.”

It gave me such pleasure when he said it, now I think he’s right.

I’ve always had this thing about patience and I wish this wasn’t so fucking hard.

FREE MYSELF FROM OUTCOMES.

Mama Osun!
Show me how to let go of this so I can go on and do my thing without freaking out. Show me how to catch more flies with honey, teach me how. Help me to deal with myself so I can deal with him.

Mama guide my life. Show me how to submit to my endless flow of teachers. Show me how to submit to the act of teaching my endless flow of students.

Show me how to submit to my ori.

FREE MYSELF FROM OUTCOMES.

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