I am feeling sick today. Have a weird sore throat and a low grade fever. I’ve been sleeping most of today, although quite fitfully.
I called YMK in a fit of pique, and we talked.
I feel so emotionally divorced from him right now. Not necessarily through anything he is doing; however, he is being a typical 24 year-old, so I am under no illusions about what he may or may not be doing down in hot ass Trini.
I don’t mind. I really don’t. It’s not like we were making any pledges or anything before I left, and we discussed all that was going to happen, likely to happen before I left.
Our conversation today wasn’t really about any of that. It’s true though. We’re talking…. at least we’re talking.
Me, I’m at that point were I’m wondering if and when I will move on, because I am so unsure of what or where this thing is going between us.
I miss him, and I know he misses me. I have this feeling we are both going to surprise each other.
I am terribly lonely here.
My cousin doesn’t talk to me. He comes in, sometimes he says hello, other times he ignores me. He doesn’t include me in anything, doesn’t communicate at all.
I’ve been here for six weeks and I can’t say that I know him any better than when I got here.
He also treats me like a second class citizen.
His mother is coming to stay, tomorrow I think he said. He tells me, I’ll have to move out of the room I’m in, because she has trouble getting up and down steps.
Then he says his kids are coming later in the week, and well he says with a laugh, “You’ll have to sleep on the floor.”
Why he thought that was funny I don’t know. To me that’s disgraceful. Where I come from, a child doesn’t displace an adult, not in those kind of circumstances anyway. Even joking about putting me to sleep on the floor, in house with more than enough beds and two big couches is disgraceful.
He says other things, wholly insensitive things sometimes, or does things that kind of shock me, but I say nothing. I stay out of his way and say nothing. I just bottle up my feelings and just keep them to myself.
I hate this! I hate being dependent on other people.
—-
There is a bright spark.
There’s always a bright spark for me and with me.
I finally found the number of a friend of mine, a mentor and a friend of Keffi’s. I called her yesterday and she said she’d try and send out feelers in her network to see if there’s a job up in Birmingham for me.
She also said she has a boarder moving out soon, within another month or so, and when he leaves, I can come and stay with her.
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Last night I dreamed I was part of a performing group and we were going to a show. I was staying in this house, the one I’m in now, but there were more floors and more rooms. The children were there, they were unusually pleasant (in real life, they don’t talk to me either).
There were other people staying in the house, and I had just come in. Everyone who was staying in the house had a bed, and one of the two boys pointed at a folded up duvet and pillow out in the hallway and told me that’s where their father said I was to sleep.
Later in the dream, I went to sing, but my mouth was full of pins. They were stuck in my gums all around, and through my tongue.
I went to the bathroom and started pulling them out one by one. There was no blood at all, and it didn’t hurt much at all. I almost swallowed one, but I forced it back up.
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