This is a test of the Emergency Friendship System……
…a Friend does most or all of these…
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in “you”
(C)alls you just to say “HI”
(D)oesn’t give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust “be” with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don’t understand
(Y)ells when you won’t listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
—–
Now the only reason I posted this, was because in recent months I’ve been struggling with friendship and what it means, and with the disappointing attitudes and behaviour of a few of my ‘so-called’ friends.
Now, when I go down the list and compare this list with the reality of certain friendships, then really these people can’t be friends at all.
Check it out, when I got the news about this job, I’ve had one in particular (who shall remain nameless for now) pretty much showed zero enthusiasm–in fact, displayed behaviour that could be easily construed as jealousy and resentment.
This same friend has actually been one of the handful of people who have proved to be of no support to me whatsoever, or whatever support offered was with resounding unwillingness and with deep reservations and ultimately resentment.
By now, most of you already know who I am talking about, but I am still not naming names. This post is made visible to only those of my favourites, because said person knows where this blog is, and well I am still for whatever reason, just not able to endure a confrontation of the likes that will occur if I have to speak my fucking mind.
I have been enduring pronouncements on my life, invented issues regarding hand soap, toilet paper and other such nonsense. Plus there was another (more serious) attempt to dictate to me how to spend my money.
So I looked through the list posted above to see if it was just me, and realised that if I put my friendship with this girl to that test, the relationship would fail miserably. Most of those things up there I have offered her, but I can’t say she’s given me back the same love.
It’s not that I don’t accept some responsibility for the situation, I realise I must have done or said something at some point that turned this girl off of me, and caused her to treat me with the gross disrespect and unkindness that she has, but me, I am at a loss as to what. I can’t imagine what I haven’t done that would prove my friendship towards this girl, but in the end it doesn’t mean a thing.
She fuck up, and she’s been trying to fuck me up.
We’ve been dancing around it, but her resentment towards me did explode a couple of Friday’s ago and then more than ever I recognised that jealousy was at the core of the thing.
As soon as things began to turn around, I started working, organised somewhere else to live, she’s been tight lipped and a trifle unpleasant (not that she wasn’t like that before, but now it’s more so) and like I said, she’s been downright sullen since I got the job.
How is it that you have a friend you know has been struggling for months, and they get their dream job and the means to reassert their independence and the words ‘I’m so happy for you’ never leave your lips once. Not in almost two weeks.
I just don’t know what it is that I did.
My other friends, the kind folks that have made it their business to become part of my support system, and have helped me unconditionally and without reservation, when I explain what it is that has happened and how I feel about it all, have pretty much all said that she’s jealous; that is a bad mind business.
I guess there’s a part of me that just doesn’t want that to be true. That held this girl in such high regard, that it’s near impossible for my to comprehend that she, of all people would be the one to resent me because of who I am, and that she would be so resentful as to treat me in the cold, remote way she has been.
She’s made a number of cruel and unkind statements over the last several months since I’ve been in England, yet, I have chosen not to react; not to tell her to fuck off, to not tell her to kiss my fat red ass. Instead, I listen quietly, make quiet comments that do not fall under the parameters of defensiveness.
Maybe that’s my mistake. Back in August when I was being told how to spend my money, maybe I should have said ‘Fuck off’ then. Maybe not doing it gave the impression of weakness.
In the Caribbean there’s a saying, “Don’t take my kindness for weakness”.
Maybe, getting this job and things starting to turn around for me, is erroding whatever sense of superiority she gained by treating me like an unwanted step-child to begin with.
I just don’t know, and to be honest, I am just so sick of it, sick of my own complacency in allowing it to continue unchecked and without what would normally have been my own spirited defense of myself, that in truth, I cannot wait to leave. I am tired of even the impulse toward defended myself. Also my mother raised me not to curse out people if you’re staying in their house. That to me is unforgiveable, and because I wouldn’t want anyone to do it to me, I have relentlessly restrained myself and my tongue.
I have already begun to pack my bags.
A dream I had: She Looked On, Smiled & Nodded
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